People in my batch have certainly assumed me to be the 'hagga-God' because of my ability to raise any topic mixed with gory details of poop. And that too while they are eating something. Without any shame. Just dare to engage me on this.
So in this post, I want to describe one of the most common thought processes that has occurred to all of us, particularly in the morning. Some of you have mastered it, others just couldn't. This is poop-pressure-while-there's-someone-in-the-bathroom.
"Its an art, not science. You just can't train your body to curb it. You feel so much impact on your body and on psychological level, you just start praying." - Gabriel Garcia Marquez.
Lets start imagining. You get up at 7.45 in the morning. Your class/exam is about to start in 15 mins. You run towards bathroom only to find out that there's a queue. BAMM! Now starts the real exam and believe me, in the course of waiting, you will convince yourself that this is the apocalypse and surviving it will be the biggest blessing that God has ever bestowed upon you. Let me show you how you fight (consider your threshold to be of 10 mins).
0-1st min: "(mild reaction) Oh shit! It's occupied. Never-mind, I'll wait. Someone will definitely come out within a few seconds. Life is good!"
1st-3rd min: "(tension creeps in) Phew! Who takes this much amount of time to let it out? Certainly not me! I mean, people should be more considerate."
3rd-4th min: *Door knocking starts* You have started to pull things upwards ;)
4th-5th min: "(sweat breaks and you have ceased to move because you have experienced that movement does nothing but applies pressure outwards) *politely* Bhaiyon, aa jao bahar yaar!"
5th-7th min: "(suddenly another thought comes to your mind. Needless to say that pressure is just short of what is required to burst things out) Do I have Tide or Surf Excel or any damn detergent? More importantly, do i have a spare underwear? Kyunki-ye-daag-to-bilkul-acche-nahi honge..."
7th-8th min: *Door banging and blabbering of cuss words starts*... b***c***...abe andar tatti kar rahe ho ya pyaz daal ke pakode tal rahe ho..yahan fatne ko hai..bahar aa jao warna bhari hui chaddi muh pe fenk dunga..(you are sweating heavily and the pelvic parts of your body have gone stiff due to constant pressure, inwards as well as outwards)
8th-9th min, 50 secs: "(..and praying starts) Oh God! You are the ultimate savior. I'll go to temple every week, will (start)study, will help others in need. I'll quit vices. I'll even take a bath daily. Just give me the strength to survive this. Om...Om....Om...."
9th min, 55 secs: *Sound of running water* - There's a faint ray of hope in this eternity of despair and pain.
9th min, 59 secs: *door opens and you leap towards it with speed of light*
10th min: *LOUD THUNDEROUS SOUND* "Sweeeeet Mother of Goooooooodddd!!! (a sigh of relief came out and a tear rolled down your cheek, taking away all your pain and giving you the ultimate pleasure)"
I have drawn a graph which pictorially depicts your mood swings -
Oh boy! Believe me! After that shitload is out of your system, you become a new person - Superman. You feel as if every thing has fallen into right place (literally and figuratively, both), there's a sense of enlightenment around you and you feel as if you have achieved higher wisdom.
Even Adolf Hitler was also a great of admirer of poop - "Zis poop makes me scream vis affection." This was, my dear friends, a journey through hell and back again!
ALL PRAISE POOP! ALL HAIL FECES! LET'S GO EXCREMENT!
